How dudes sleep

The way that guys sleep is perhaps the most ridiculous thing you will ever see.  For you ladies that like to sleep over after sex or just have brothers who you used to share a room with you know exactly what I'm talking about. Guys love to sleep. Sleeping eating and pooping... and sex. Those are the four things that drive us. The ability to sleep is the reason we try to rush the day.  And then there are the actual sleeping habits of most men. First of all you have two types of sleepers: the ones that sleep with all the covers and the ones that sleep with none. If you are the kinda guy that sleeps with covers it sucks for you because chances are your woman is going to take them all. That was always my problem. My girlfriend would grab all the covers and i couldn't stay warm. It sucked. The other kind of who doesn't like covers tends to also be a twist and turner. The ones that constantly are moving in bed. That can really get annoying too.  The worst part about guys when they sleep is just the pure nastiness that they seem to contract. We fart our breath stinks and some guys even sweat in their sleep. Its really not a pretty sight to watch a man sleep. We usually have mouths open our tongues lolling out.. just not pretty.

Facebook Stalking

Well I'm sorry to say this is going to be a short and very sad entry this week. I just broke up with my girlfriend who i have been with for a couple years and my heart isn't really into it. So I guess I'll give a short speech on the "art" of Facebook stalking. Facebook Stalking is... well it's creepy no matter how you slice it. But we all do it. Guy, girl, child, Satan's spawn we all have delved into the that secret temptation to look at that cute girl on Facebook. But hey besides the creepiness it can actually be quite a useful tool. You meet someone knew you stalk their profile to see whether or not they are cool or some creepy rapist who will come into your room at night and...
Stalking someone on Facebook isn't necessarily a bad thing really until you get to addicted status. Once you start checking the same persons profile every day or are stalking everybody's profile that you can get to in a 3 hour sitting you have a problem. Also if you are searching through to look for nudies... yeah not good. they have whole websites devoted to that stuff. It's just creepy when your whacking off to a picture of someone you know...and pathetic. If you are really that interested in a girl just talk to her face to face.
The next type of Facebook creep is the wall poster. You ever have that guy who all they do is post on your wall. Like all the time. they like your comments or comment on a post you left. They are the guys who comment or like a pic of you from like 5 years back and you still thought long hair was cool. Most of the time its your mother but every once in a while you get the creepy guy/girl you hooked up with once. And they just keep doing it over and over and over and over until you want to reach through the screen and punch them in their creepy little face....
Sorry tangent my b.  Yeah those guys freak me the fuck out. I'm guessing  that girls don't find them very appealing either. So word to the wise gentlemen don't Facebook stalk and if you have to do it quickly and don't leave any trace that you were there.

Music

Again I had a rather crazy stressful week so I'm gonna make this post super short. It seems my hilarity is waning. Its almost as if I used up the last of my funniness on the sex post and I have nothing to write about that's funny anymore. I guess I'll talk about music because it's fairly easy. I guess the big myth about guys and music is whether or not a certain genre of music is too girly.
So first lets see what society defines as guys music. Obviously you have your heavy medal and death medal. It's aggressive and loud. It's kind of war like and violent which is what guys are supposed to be like. Then you have your hardcore hiphop and rap. These are the most "masculinized" off all the genres of music just because lots of rap music talks about stereotypical guy things like fucking and killing. They tend to be kind of offensive to women and talk about fighting. I would say those are what society would term as "guy music."  I know there are girls that listen to this kind of music as well but they are considered a bit strange according to society. Now of course this is completely untrue and unfair because people should be allowed listen to whatever kind of music they want. However you can't tell me that you never raised your eyebrows when you saw a sweet looking girl walking by you and you realize shes listening to german death metal.
The next kind set is the neutral music genres. These are genres that are socially acceptable for both men and women to listen to without either looking to masculine or feminine.  These are genres like country, acoustic, punk, alternative ect. These genres don't have a specific gender specification that looks bad. They tend to talk about topics that are common to both men and women. They tend to be least offensive but they talk about topics like sex and drugs still that can rub people the wrong way. Still they don't discriminate based on gender but can on other things (like race... country).
Finally weget to the music i would term girly. These are songs that are popular on teen radio like Katy Perry. Then you have your show tunes and Disney sing-a-long tracks. In my opinion these can be listened to by anybody male or female and unless they talk abut pink ribbon rainbows and cute boys then guys your free to listen to them. Taylor Swift however I'm sorry is an automatic man card revocation. Not only is she a bad singer but her songs are full of teenage girl angst. Lets leave that to the ladies shall we?

The Remote

           

         
         At first I was going to basically write a bull shit post that was about nothing because i figured no one in my group would even bother looking at it. We've had such a crazy bonding week that I know they're as tired as I and don't want to read any more than I care to write. But then I thought to myself what about all the rest of my adoring fans, who revolve their weeks around my witty words of wisdom and alluring acalades of advice... not to mention my stunning alliterations right? I would be depriving the world of the ravings of yet another great philosophizor (new word) who is bent upon making the world a better place for all. Well so much for not bull shitting... Anyway I decided to write about something short but important all the same. I was going to write about how men and women can't be friends, but that's to complicated and has way many more points to cover than I care for. That's a post that will be among the ranks of "sex" and "romance". however that s not the case now. I've decided to write about something that all men can appreciate and all women can learn from: the television remote.
           Ah the TV remote. The golden scepter of entertainment, that rules the leisure time of all men. With it he can control all things around him. He makes his own destiny with this great wizards staff. By everything I mean nothing and by destiny I mean the amount of time he wastes between meals. I mean lets be real right now guys why do we need the damn remote all the time. I mean its a little black box that sends out digital signals to our TVs. Maybe its because we like to click things. Men have this unnecessary need to tinker with everything. It becomes a real pain in the ass when you in class or at a fancy restaurant and you have to sit there stare someone in the eyes and talk to them. Or maybe it has something to do with that masculine solitude I talked about yesterday. We can just pull into our own world and block out everyone else mindlessly changing station after station until we finally escape this life and find ourselves in another that's more exciting and more free of all thought.
           Ha
           No we like the remote because it means that someone else can't have it. It gives us power over the TV. We can do what we want and no one is going to stop us. Its that sense of power that we want. we control what others are going to watch and no one is going to control us. Life doesn't have many of these moments where a man can have the control. And that's the way our society is set up. A man isn't really a man unless he has control of something. It's true. It isn't good to be at the bottom of a power ladder. I mean why not? it means less decision making less people angry when you mess up and less logistical stress. But no in our society men need to have control of somebody in order to be a real man. The CEO controls the managers, the managers control the supervisors, the supervisors control the grunt man, the grunt man controls his family. This a really old and really outdated system that is slowly fading. However this is still the underlying idea of most family lives. Men who have no control of anything, not even their family, are looked dow upon and humiliated.
          So ladies, I guess that explains why you should allow you man to control the remote. You can stop his humiliation infront of all of society....

Hahahahahaha i really hope my girlfriend saw that. Though it was the biggest load of shit I have ever churned out I must say that I put up a good argument. But no seriously ladies the reason why we control the remote to the TV is because we want to watch something on TV. all you have to do is ask and we'll give it to you. If we don't its because we like what we're watching and we know all of you will just change the channel to project runway or whatever that shit is. So for your future advice ladies: guys love the girl that knows when the game is on. So turn it to that. Because if you let your man watch what he wants he will literally do anything else you ask him.

Marrige/ Commitment

 

Well unfortunately compared to last weeks nail biter this week will seem pretty dry to my most of my loyal followers (all four of you).  I'm quite tired and i have 2 very important tests for tomorrow, and Mr. Procrastinator decided to enjoy the nice weather and wait til the last minute to do everything.  So my witty banter and delightfully charming phrases will probably be lacking their normal pizzazz (which by the way is an awesome word which i would encourage you all to include in your everyday speech when possible). So with that out of the way let us get on with it. So I can't tell you the amount of times I have turned on my TV and heard what is perhaps one of the most unfair and partially true myths about men: That we can't commit. Well that's only half true. Most men can't commit UNLESS its the right person. Believe it or not when it comes to marrige and commitment men tend to be pickier than women. Which is interesting because biologically it should be the other way around.
      Now when i say commitment I don't mean as in a sexual partner. That's something that biologically men are more inclined to not commit too. And a lot of the time they don't. If your just having sex with a guy then don't expect the ring any time soon. However when it comes to dating that's a different story. I have always gone with the philosophy that when I date a girl for a prolonged period of time (more than a couple dates), there is a potential that girl could be my wife someday. Now I'm not gonna start saving for the diamond, nor will I go crazy stalker boyfriend; that my dear friends is what we call creepy. No that's not what I'm saying at all. However society gives us this perception that all a guy wants out of a relationship is sex. And once that stops then they will get bored and leave. Not true at all. Many guys, I would even go as far as to say most guys, want relationships to last. They want to feel loved and be loved back, even when they don't show it. Romantic love outside of sex is looked upon as fantasy in our society. I've talked about it before and I'll say it again. When I am dating a girl I'm basically seeing whether or not our relationship will work out enough that we could get married and spend our entire lives together. However this is a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaally long process. It takes most men years before they know whether or not that person is the right one.  That is why i said the myth about commitment is half-true. It takes men slower to commit to a woman not because they want to have sex with everything on the planet as society would like us to believe, but because they want to make sure they have it right the first time and make sure that both they and their partner will be happy in the future. Actually in my opinion I actually think its a lot more endearing and respectful towards women.
       Now as far as marriage is concerned this myth is another one of those half-truths. The joke is that marriage is a prison. And this is true and not true. It's not true, at least for the reasons that society gives. Society tells us that men hate marriage because they can't fuck other women. That's just not the case. Most men hell 99.999999% of men love their wives to death and would never dream about cheating on them. No that's not why marriage is a prison. Men don't like marriage for another reason... not a better reason but a different one.  They hate the fact that they are now forced to care about someone other than themselves. This tends to be more difficult for men because in our culture men have one responsibility and that's to themselves.  The ideal woman in our society's view takes care of the men (i.e. mothers, girlfriends, grandmothers). Their "role" if you will is caretaker. The Men of our society are really only responsible for themselves. Biologically this trend is actually sound. Males tend to segregate themselves from pack's outside of mating season. However human's are more than just animals. We have a greater capacity than normal instinct and I find it repulsive that the media and society degrades us to that level. I think, I I believe most men will agree, that marriage is a blessing despite the responsibility and for some of us taking on that responsibility is an act of the greatest affection and love you can show towards a woman. So we're not all complete pigs believe it or not.  When a man gets married its after lots of thought and consideration. One that ring is on his finger he is the happiest man alive however you mark my words; he has found the woman of his dreams and In my mind nothing else in the world matter's more than that.

SEX!

           Well I have finally decided to traverse the topic that everyone was waiting for: sex! That's right I'm going to tell a real guys view of sex. And what I say will surprise you. Needless to say you will most likely read this entire blog because by the nature of our society we enjoy sex and all things related to it.  I guess that's good for the viewer ratings. Just hope I don't get some creepo looking up porn commenting what he's going to do later...Pervert. So this is probably a bad idea. Before I start I want to say that for anybody who is interested in writing a blog post on sex and is looking for pictures to add to that blog, typing sex into Google images is a very bad idea... that being said.

only partially true... the toilet aiming cell is much smaller and
the TV remote control thing takes up more than sex

           In my opinion there is no greater myth surrounding men than our pathological need for sex. It irritates the hell out of me to watch TV and always see men being these horny being that are controlled by sex.  Likewise I hate seeing how its only men who want sex. As all you ladies know men aren't the only ones after sex: women want it just as much if not more (at certain times of the month). Now I know this is an uncomfortable subject for lots of people. I'm not expecting lots of positive responses and actually I have a feeling my professor will most likely be speaking to me after he reads this but oh well... as anyone who has read my blogs before will know I'm not one to sensor my writing so why should I on this monumental edition. Well here goes!
            Well the first thing I want to bust is the myth that annoys me the most. Men do not have sex on their mind all day every day, or at least no more than women do. Yes sex is a big deal but that is just our natural instincts telling us to procreate. Women feel it too. You have to realize though that men can and will go without sex if they have too. We're not incapable. I'm getting quite sick of this idea that men are unable to control themselves when it comes to sex, as if we're unable to function without it.  It is just our culture that pushes it upon us. Men in our society today are expected to ave sex by the time they get to college if not earlier.  And those who haven't are looked down upon and often made fun of. But newsflash people: having sex doesn't make you a man despite what the movies say.
            Now I know shocking; I'm a college student and I'm sex isn't everything! Well if that's what your thinking then you're just proving my point. We've been taught since even before high school by the movies, TV and other media sources that we need sex and have to have it. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no crazed conservative that believes that sex should be strictly for the procreation of children within a marriage.  On the contrary I feel that is archaic and stupid. I'm for birth control and all that as well. However I do have a bit of a problem with the idea that sex is emotionless, which brings us to our next myth: not all men see sex as a mindless emotionless way to get off.
            Call me old fashion but I feel sex should be given to people you care for deeply and not at will. and this is a view point that has gotten me ridiculed greatly, especially my senior year and high school. I gave up having sex because my girlfriend is one of those girls that believes one's virginity is a valuable thing not to be given lightly. And believe it or not i respect that because I love her.  She is someone I care deeply for and would happily have sex with. But I have chosen to respect her boundaries because their are more important things in a relationship.  Like her I don't have sex with random people. The women I have sex with I create a bond with before hand. I respect women and feel that to just fuck and chuck is one of the greatest insults you can do to a woman. It's as if you are saying you are no more than a tool to get off with. There are many women that are this way with guys. I guess my point is that it doesn't matter if your male or female your opinion of sex and who you have it with is up to you and how you were raised. So all those guys out there who sleep around with everyone... yeah your actually just a huge dick who has no sense of real self and would rather conform to the social norm than make any real decisions...
           Wow sorry bout that. Those guys always annoyed me in high school. Anyway. So time for myth three. So the one where guys are selfish and would rather feel pleasure themselves then make the woman orgasm: BUUUUULL SHIT! BUUUUUULL SHIT!!! This is about to get awkward up in here but for me personally making my girl go crazy it sooooo much more stimulating than just her letting me use her body to get off. And I would be highly surprised if no other guy felt the same way. Sex is a two way street and it should be shared not given. This ties in partially with the love thing I said before. If you love someone you want them to feel as good as you, so it stands to reason that during sex you find pleasure in their pleasure right? I enjoy hearing my girlfriend saying she likes what I'm doing or that it feels good. Not only does it get me going but I also know that because she love me she will reciprocate. The media would like us to think that sex is for personal pleasure but I beg to differ. Sex is 2 parts physical, 1 part mental as far as I'm concerned. A big part of that mental area of sex is taking pleasure in your partener's pleasure.

Mclovin get it in
(courtesy Sony Pictures [USA])

            Sooooo now time to get really awkward: What do guys like? I went around and asked my guy friends from both here and home as well as some girls I know what they have been told. So just to let you know many of these are not necessarily my opinions. To begin I want to stress again that sex is not completely physical. A guy believe it or not does have to get into the mood. Biologically it is much easier for most men than most women, but it still takes some work. Often being in the proximity of of a woman that he finds attractive will get a guy going. If you indicate you want it that usually does the trick too. Guys like to be teased but too a degree. Tease to little the guy won't be quite as engaged because you didn't give him enough to time to rev up. To long and you risk him either losing interest or being to rough and hurting you. What women have to realize is that it is very difficult for a man to control himself when he gets into a sexual state. The testosterone flows through his body in enormous amounts and blocks out other emotion causing hormones from getting to the brain.  They literally become drunk with passion and can't think straight. It can even effect our senses which become heightened. This is because testosterone doesn't just control our sexual readiness it also is we use when we fight. This can make men highly aggressive and is usually the cause of rapes. It's why rape is more commonly committed by men than women.  But I want to say this. Just because it is difficult for men to control themselves it is not impossible and can and should be exhibited. In other words it's no excuse.

love the kids face

           So what else to guys like. Guys like closeness but they like contact as well.  The more places you touch a man the better it will feel for him.  Again awkward but while missionary position is considered girly many guys like it because it gives them the physical contact other positions might not. Now for all those girls wondering why guys are so interested in your... shall we say.. "girl parts."  Simple: we don't have them and our society has named them taboo. In many cultures such as the nomadic tribes of Africa, or Tribes of Native Americans in the Amazon, women walk around topless and it doesn't really turn men on. Again its a mental thing. according to western civilization boobs are bad (my left ass cheek they are). As far as your vagina goes its the same sort of thing. we don't have them. Also they are our main source of pleasure. Biologically that's where our body wants to put our penis so it stands to reason that we would like them. As far as a girls ass I really have no explanation: we just reeeeeeeeeeeeeally like them :D
            So I guess if you have read this far you weren't put off by the awkward comments which is good. This is just the tip of the.... there are so many more things I could write about referring to sex. I really want to hear your questions or responses. I know mostly not many people feel comfortable talking about this. I also know that many people don't really know how they feel about sex. It's not something you grew up experiencing. Its something you had to figure out on your own. If any guys have anything to say about this i urge you to add it. And if you girls have any comments or questions about how guys view sex I would love to answer them. This stuff doesn't ,make me uncomfortable and I think its good to talk about. hope you enjoyed my short overview on sex and if your just some perv looking to get one off, I'm actually quite surprised you read this far and hope you are rethinking your life choices... because jacking off to a crappy block about dudes is both pathetic and highly strange.

Next week...
Marriage/Commitment

Drinking 2

not drunk but funny

     
      Alright time to put theory into practice. So you followed the rules and had a good night. But now for some deeper analyses... why do we drink? Why is the use of alcohol so popular among men all over the world? What sort of things do men associate with alcohol? These are the questions that we never ask ourselves but have relevance every time we drink. There is a reason behind men's use of alcohol that is different than women's. Namely its that we consume more and on different occasion.
         Alcohol has a very long and very interesting history. Alcohol consumption dates back to the dawn of civilization when the ancient Sumerians would brew beer. Different civilizations developed different forms of alcohol, based on the popular crop of the region they developed in. The Sumerians had beer because they grew lots of wheat as did the ancient Egyptians.  In Greece and Rome the drink of choice was wine. It was used in almost every major cultural practice, from holidays to religious rituals. They even had a God devoted to wine. Alcohol consumption and partying was a big part of live in the ancient cultures especially in Greece and Rome.  Alcohol was used extensively and was considered a gift from the gods that allowed humans to have happiness and fun.  No one is sure how it's use began but that it was a very common practice in the ancient world. It was a medium for social events. the most common example of this was the Roman symposia.  The syposia were basically giant drinking parties that allowed only rich men to attend. The symposia however were centers of political, business and sexual transaction. The majority of major deals were made in the symposia, and all because of the shared practice of alcohol consumption.
         In medieval Europe the consumption of alcohol became the most popular form of drinking because the drinker could be shore of its ripeness. Meads and beers became the primary drink because milk would sour and clean drinking water was difficult to come by especially in large cities like London or Paris. The creation of taverns during this time served more or less the same purpose of the symposia. These taverns were meeting places where men could exchange business, look at the local array of women and socialize.  The taverns of the middle ages had less of an edge as the symposia and were more focused on relaxation periods.  This tavern culture was popular all the way through the colonial period where the tavern was the social center of the town. Much of the planning and ideology of our own Revolution was created and developed in the taverns of small towns and cities, where men would come together to drink and share ideas.
         While alcohol can be used for friendly socialization we must also remember that it can have a more sinister element to it as well. The Saloons of the Wild west are a good example of this. These places were centers for criminals and outlaws. The people that hung around these areas often used alcohol in a negative way getting prostitutes drunk or conning out drunken ranch hands. Drunken violence was very common and many historians believe that half of the violence in the old west stemmed from the abuse of alcohol. Another common example of this are the old speak-easy's of the Prohibition period. These places were underground bars often owned and run by the mob. The funds that were raised by the abuse of alcohol often went to organized crime that created violence, murder and chaos.  Many of our countries most notorious criminals (Al Capone, Bugsy Malone) came out of these speak-easy's and some of the countries most hanious crimes of all time, like the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, were born from these mobs.  All of this fueled by men's need to drink alcohol.

       
           So why do we drink. Well that's simple enough to answer... because its a cultural thing. Alcohol is the only socially acceptable recreational drug in almost every society. It is something that is associated with happiness and relaxation.  Modern views on alcohol use is that it is not only something that is acceptable but expected in social situations for adults. Drinking is considered a passage into adulthood. The reason why most people drink or started drink, though most may not admit it, was because it is associated with being an adult and by drinking you are an adult.  The problem is that when you are younger and first beginning to drink we don't know our limits and end up drunk. The feeling is so foreign and makes us feel so good that we want to emulate it. That is why in most young societies (aka college) people ten to get shit-faced. Most adults tell you that they don't drink to get drunk but because it is the socially necessary thing to do. At a certain age getting shitfaced isn't cool nor appealing and instead drinking is done because it is what one is supposed to do and they avoid heavy drinking at all costs.  Lets be really the men that we consider the most mature are the ones who don't get really drunk in social situations.

Drinking 1

          

 Well this is a post that is sure to get me into trouble. So before I go into this I want to say that "I don't drink never have and won't until I reach the proper legal age (...), everything in this post is theoretical and not the actual experience of the author (mhmm)"
           The first time I drank was in Cancun, Mexico where I had gone on vacation with a friend and his family (they shall remain nameless for legal purposes).  I have been around alcohol my entire life so don't get me wrong I was well aware of what it could do, and of course had the occasional glass of wine, coming from a primarily Italian family.  However Cancun was the first place I actually got drunk.  In a week i had gone through an intense program learning how to drink, what to drink and what happens when you don't drink  the right way.  The family I went down with were all experienced drinkers.  My friends father ( we'll call him Mr. S) was a rather large Irishman, with the liver of a God.  He told my parents what would be going on down there and to my surprise they gave this reaction: better to learn from someone like Mr. B who knows what to do and how to do it safely than experimenting in college and dying. I am very thankful they took that opinion. When we got down there Mr. B gave me and the other boy who had come down with us a drink and began what he called basic training for partying. He gave us a serious of rules to remember as a man when we drink. This is what I am going to teach you today. This topic is very broad and therefore will take along time to discuss. This week I'll give you the basic rules of drinking for men. Next week I'll discuss how we can put these into practice and better yet why we should.

1. Drink LOTS of WATER!!!!!!!!
    This was the first and most important thing Mr. B taught me. Water is basically your tie to life when you aredrinking. It sobers you up, and it stops the hangover. Water dilutes the alcohol in your system which allows you to think easier. While most people might find it fun to get wasted no one actually enjoys it enough. The other purpose of water is hydration. Alcohol takes the place of water in your cells and without that water you can become very sick. That is really all a hangover is. Your body gets dried out to the point where it is dangerous. By drinking water you are replenishing the supply and taking away the likelihood of a hang over the next day. And of course the final reason to drink water is that it makes you piss. Alcohol is a toxin... whether you admit it or not it is not something that your supposed to have in your body especally in large doses. That is why your body reacts the way it does. By drinking lots of water you force yourself to  pee out those toxins.

2. Don't get sloppy.
     Its ok to have fun but there comes a point.  No one likes to be that guy that is so drunk he is falling over and is unintelligable. Hell no one likes that guy let alone likes to be that guy.  Its not cool nor mannly to get so drunk your friends have to escort you home. Another problem is that when you get to that point you are volatile. No one can tell how your going to react or what your going to do. And the worst part is that you have no control. That can be dangerous not just for you but for those around you.  Get a nice buzz going maybe get a little tipsey but don't be the guy passed out with a penis drawn on your face.

3. Know your limit.
      This goes along with the don't be sloppy thing. You need to know the point where you will pass from tipsey to drunk to hammered. You have to be able to gauge how much you can drink and when to stop. This is one of the most difficult things for beginner drinkers (aka freshmen) to understand. There are certian things you need to factor in if you are going to drink to help you predict that limit. Heavier people can drink more than thin people, more experienced people more than less experienced, men more than women. Sometimes even race is a factor. However the only way to really know is to experiment. Your going to make mistakes and your going to get drunk and probly puke your first couple times. The key is to do it with people you trust and learn from your mistakes quickly.

4. Stop when it is safeest not necessarily when you want to.
         This is a big thing for unexperienced drinkers. Sometimes its hard to gauge when you have had to much. So you don't know when you are at or past your tolerance point. You don't realize that you aredrunk because you don't understand what it feel like.  You will continue to drink until you puke or do something really stupid.  Another problem is that once you begin to drink it is very difficult to stop until it is too late. You keep pounding down drinks because you don't feel it. If your friend or boy/girlfriend are telling you its time to stop listen to them.  Likewise if you know you've reached your point don't let your friends pressure you into drinking more.

5. Best cure for a hangover: drink more.
     A hangover is just withdrawal.  Its your body reacting to the lack of alcohol. Like any other drug it fucks with your body so that you feel crappy without it. So best way to get rid of it is to drink more! you give your body what it craves helping you to feel much better.  That's why common cure for hangovers like bloody-marys or spiked coffees have alcohol in them. However you have to be careful with this. If you do this to often your body will begin to become addicted to the alcohol, and this is extremely dangerous.

6.  Pace yourself.
     Going along with the whole don't get sloppy and know your limit, pacing yourself is extremely important. Having 7 drinks in one hour will get you more fucked up than 13 drinks in 7 hours. Pacing yourself gives you the ability to have a consistent buzz so that you will remember your night, where as getting very drunk very fast will make you sloppy and most likely black out.

7. Blacking out isn't cool.
     Despite what the media would have you believe blacking out  really isn't that cool. It leads to a wasted nigh. If you had a lot of fun you won't know or remember it because you blacked out. If you keep a constant buzz on then you will remember in the morning the fun you had last night. The other thing is that you don't know what is true or isn't true. Most likely your buddies who you went with will make shit up and you can't verify because you don't remember.

8.  Don't be caught with your pants down.
      The basic principle of everything is that what goes in must come out at some point. Make sure that your near someplace where you can deposit whatever it is exactly that comes out. Preferable this is a bathroom, however the trashcan is always a good spot as well. No one wants to be the guy that pukes all over the floor, because either your cleaning it up with a mop or if you don't know the person who owns the building/apartment you'll be wiping it up with your face.  Also remember that public urination is now and has always been illegal.

9. Don't get caught with your shoes on.
     The rule of thumb is that if a guy passes out with his shoes on his is free game to fuck with.  It is perfectly acceptable to draw on his body any sort of picture (or genital) of your choosing. If you are so drunk that you pass out without taking off your shoes, then you deserve what you get. Teabagging is perfectly acceptable in this instance as is ass to face maneuvers such as face farts, or my personal favorite goat pictures (where you goat the passed out guy and take a pic of it. Yeah this might come across as strange to most people however as any guy knows we do it all the time and it is actually funny as shit.

10. Keep your hands to your self.
       The biggest problem with guys who get sloppy is that they touch everything, especially when it comes to women. Alcohol makes you more ballsy, so you do things you wouldn't normally do. I know guys who will walk up to a girl and grab her ass when there drunk who would never have done so sober. Guys tend to be very over-zealous when they are drunk. Lots of guys will think a girl is into him when really she is trying her best to get away. You open yourself up to many many problems when you start grabbing a girl: fights, getting kicked out of the party, even jail for sexual assault. These are not scenarios that you want to get yourself into.  When you get drunk you think with your dick and not your brain. This can get you into the issue i just mentioned. For me I refuse to drink if there will be girls around because I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend, and while I'm not a horny drunk I also know that if a girl makes a pass at m I don't have the reasoning power if I'm shit faced to recognize what I'm doing is wrong.  I instead take upon the role of caretaker when I go out. Coming from a very Italian household, I look out for the girls I'm with. If one of my friends is having troubles with you because you drunk and are getting to handsy, I will step in and you will get punched. I'm not the only guy like this so the best advise would be to just lay off.

11. Keep a condom on you at all times.
        While you might not be planning on having sex, like I stated before guys tend to get horny when they're drunk. It's better to be prepared with a condom, than to go in raw and risk all sorts of STDs or becoming a daddy... and as I always say: no one wants to be a daddy until you want to be a daddy.  Now whether or not you end up using a condom is up to you, however it is considered rape if you don't and she reports you. Just sayin

12. There is no such thing as a "woman's drink"
       Everyone has their tastes and you have to respect that. Just because you don't want to take a straight shot of Jack doesn't make you less of a man. Nor does having a margarita when its offered. This is a big social stigma; that if a drink has fancy colors or fruit in it, its too girly. This isn't always the case. Now for me, I don't like these drinks because I like to taste the alcohol. It lets me know how much I've had and whether or not I should stop. If I can't taste a shot of Everclear then I have a problem. Another thing is beer. You aren't more masculine because you can chug a beer in 3 sec. Beer isn't a man's drink per se but it tends to be drank more by men than women. So I guess what I'm saying is that drinking a "chick" drink doesn't mean your less manly, nor does taking a straight shot without a chaser more so. It is how you handle the alchol you drink that establishes how macho you are. If one margarita gets you sloppy, but  a girl has taken 5 shots and barely has a buzz... well then that's problem.

13. Enjoy yourself
      Drinking is something you do for fun. If you go into it with a bad attitude or for the wrong reasons it will only make things ten times worse. When you drink drink with others and have a good time, not by yourself in a dark room.... we cal those people alcoholics where I'm from.  Likewise for you non-drinkers, don't be hatin. If you go out with people who drink don't fall into peer pressure if you don't want to but don't be the stick in the mud either. There are various grades of drinks and having one beer as a guy will do little if nothing at all. Live life a little. Don't nag on people for drinking unless they are getting bad. If that is the case take them home lay them to bed and then go back out and enjoy yourself. Drinking I meant to be fun.  If you don't drink I'm not saying you won't enjoy your time, but everything is better with a little alcohol in ya.


          So these are the rules I live by. I consulted my friends and we all agreed that if you follow these rules it can be very easy to have a good time. Next week I'll discuss more of the cultural role drinking plays in men's lives. Mr. B taught me a lot and through his teaching I am able to enjoy my drinking experiences without hurting myself. I never had a bad time drinking in college because I knew what to do. Hopefully with these rules you too can enjoy your drinking experience this State Patty's day. And remember be safe and be cool.

Hygiene

Well after last weeks little sidebar I'm finally getting around to a topic I find actually absolutely hilarious:  male hygiene.  This is a topic that will interest both men and women alike. Popular belief is that men typically are not the cleanliest people in the world when it comes to our bodies. And for the most part this is correct. In the US we tend not to shave as many things as women, nor do we have to deal with the hair troubles that women do. Theoretically a man could just role out of bed and head straight to class or work and most of the time no one would be able to tell.  However this isn't the case with most men. At least its not the case with me... most of the time.
         The thing that sets apart men and women is the fact that men sweat... a lot. Men tend to sweat more than women simply because men tend to be involved in activities that re more labor intensive than women. Not saying that women don't do heavy labor but statistically speaking there are more men involved in jobs such as construction that require heavy physical lifting than women. Also when we work out our bodies tend to heat up faster due to the amount of testasterone in our bodies. Another reason behind man's unnecessary sweating, is that women can handle a higher body temperature then men. At the Polish Academy in Warsaw, researchers concluded that even if men and women do the same amount of physical exercise women will sweat less but have a higher overall body temperature. (http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/men/sweating-odor/men-sweat-more-than-women.htm)
          Why am I saying this? Because it has to do with men's cleaning habits compared to women. Men and women tend to take the same amount of showers perday (Men sometimes more than women), however men's showers are much short as any man can attest to. But again this makes sense. In our society men typically have a hairier body with less hair on our head. This means that it takes less time for men because we don't have to spend a long time washing our hair or shaving other parts of our bodies. Still I have to admit I am guilty of spending o much time in the shower. And why not! Its comfy and a good place to think. Everyone knows your best thoughts come in the shower. And I know its not just me. Many guys on my floor take long showers. At the same time my own room mate take his in under 5 min every time and another one of my friends only takes them every 3 days.  The latter is not typical of most men from what I've observed. We all consider it disgusting when someone doesn't shower daily on my floor and I'm guessing most guys would agree. Just spraying yourself with axe isn't gonna cut it. So to you ladies reading this out there don't think we're all nasty pigs who cover up our stank with perfume. Because many of us clean more than you.

NO!

          That being said I want to stress the fact that as men we don't pretty up ourselves as much as women. Or at least you shouldn't. The common rule of thumb is that the only time it should take you longer than 45 to get ready is for your wedding or your funeral.  other than that your putting too much into it. Being clean is one thing but their comes a point. For example, I don't care how good it feel no man should ever get a mani/pedi if he still has those 2 jewels hanging between his legs.  Take care of yourself obviously but don't go overboard. I personally find it stupid when guys shave their chests. It's something that is purely masculine... why would you want to get rid of that? A perfect example of guys that go overboard are the guidos of Jersey Shore. They take to much time and money feminizing themselves.  All that tanning, waxing, an shaping takes away their manhood in my opinion.
            I will give them a break when it comes to working out. I have no problem whatsoever with guys getting ripped. That is a sign of health as well as masculinity. Therefore in my mind it is the one thing that isn't too bad if you go slightly overboard. Keeping yourself in shape is not something that we should ever assign to any gender, nor should we consider it bad in anyway. However this is one of the times I am going to give the man the benefit of the doubt. Unlike men, women become less attractive the more muscle they have. So while both sexes should be healthy bodybuilding is something that looks much better on men than women.

AGAIN NO!

OK not bad

            The last thing I want to discuss is hair. For most men they don't spend time on their hair because its short. That is just the current style. However if you are going to keep your hair short here are some things to remember: 1) Wash it every time you take a shower. Remember we sweat more so while women might not have to wash their hair every shower you do. 2) Don't do crazy things with it. No buns or pig tails or braids. Maybe a ponytail if your doing something where it could catch fine but the rule of thumb usually is that if your hair is that long you should rethink your life choices. the other thing i want to talk about with hair style is that this is the one place a man shouldn't want much time. Their aren't many styles that look good on a guy. You can put of the front, leave it as is or slick it back. That's about it. Anything else just makes you look dumb. Don't dye it, spend thousands of dollars on treatments or get those stupid edges done. You just look dumb.
           So just to summarize everything for everyone. Guys its ok to take more showers than our girl as long as they're short and all your doing is washing of the grim of life. We tend to sweat more so its only natural to wash more. Wash everyday and don't use colones to cover it up if you don't; everyone knows and it's just nasty. On the other hand don't over do it on the prettying yourself up. Stay clean and well groomed but don't spend lots of money making yourself up. You can have long hair to a point and If you style it keep it simple. The one thing I didn't cover was shaving, one's face.  That's simple; you can do whatever you want however if you can't grow a beard then don't try. With all these tips you should be good.
O and one last thing... NO MAKE UP!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!

Next Week...
Drinking

Romance

            

Today I was going to discuss with you hygiene but with Valentine's Day being Tuesday I thought it would be better to talk about a subject that many men tend to avoid in public: Romance.  The media makes romance out to be a "chick thing."  Think about it: romantic comedies are often given the label "chick-flick."  Romance novels are considered to be women's books and are often written from a woman's point of view. Guys are supposed to be into blood and guts and gore and not that girly romantic crap right? Men aren't supposed to be romantic, they are supposed to be tough and women are supposed to be the sappy ones right? Wrong.

          I feel most men are more into romance than they let on.  I know I enjoy doing little romantic things for my girlfriend. I buy her roses just because I can. I'll grab her if I like the song and just dance with her. I take her out on candle lit dinners and go on long walks with her. I don't do that stuff simply because she likes it, but because I enjoy doing it.  Most men won't admit it though. Our society won't allow it. It is thought to be emasculating.  Men are supposed to be bored with this stuff, do it because they want to get into the girls pants. I find this to be absolutely ridiculous. When I take my girlfriend out on a date or buy her flowers I do it because I enjoy seeing the look on her face, and because, in my opinion, it is the way that a man should treat his woman. I don't expect anything back, I just want her to be happy because when she is happy I am happy.  

          Society wasn't always this way. Actually romance was considered a feminine thing until the sexual revolution took place in the 60s. Before this the little things we consider "sappy" today, such as helping a girl cross a puddle or the man being the one to ask out the girl, were considered commonplace.  However, with the dawn of the sexual revolution women began to consider these things to traditional, and lopped them in with other more sexist traditions. These practices began to fall out of fashion until they were considered wrong for men. This is usually how cultural trends tend to develop.  A practice is considered to archaic and eventually it is considered wrong because a new tradition takes its place. According to our society, this new development considers romance "out-dated" and "for the old people." Things like asking for a girls hand in marriage from her father before actually asking her, are now considered old world and foolish by the media and societal norms because they are supposed to restrict a girls decision making. It also makes guys look less masculine, by even knowing romantic things they could do for their women. This is why most guys won't talk about the romantic things they did for their girlfriend with out being considered gay, when in fact they are as far from gay as you could get.

          I think though that while society might say men aren't romantic, that is not the case at all.  I think most men would, given the choice add a little romance into their life because, like me, they find the smile on their woman's face more important than whether or not they are being made of behind their backs. However, I really don't find that my friends make comments when I do romantic stuff for my girlfriend. In fact more often than not they are the once saying how cute they find it or giving advice as to what I should do. I find that most men are very traditionalist in their views on romance. Many men would go that extra mile to help a woman. You'd be surprised at the amount of men who would do those little things, like help a woman over a puddle in the road, or treat her to a candlelight dinner. And on that same note there are a lot of women out there who appreciate what the man is doing when he tries to be romantic. They don't see him as week or effeminate at all. In fact I got into a conversation with my girlfriend as I was writing this, and she said that my romance is what made me so attractive to her. A guy is more likely to get a girl by being romantic then trying to pick her up so you can sleep with her the next morning.

          So what exactly are those romantic things that we can do? Well I'm kind of a tradionalist on this topic.   I am the kinda guy that is into the old school Cary Grant kind of romantic. I like to surprise the girl with flowers ad try to sweep her off her feet.  For example, before I began to date my current girlfriend we were in a play together ad we had rehearsal the day before Valentine's Day. I gave each of the girls in our cast a rose, but after rehearsal when it was just the two of us, I came out of my car with a doze roses just for her. Another classic romantic thing you can do is just to ell her exactly how beautiful she is. Not because you have to but because she is. I say good night to her the same way every night and good morning the same way everyday. These little romantic things not only make her happy but help to keep the relationship going. Society might label it as cheezy but these are the traditional ways of going about a relationship. A small thing like slow dancing like they did way back when is nice because its not threatening sexually, but still shows her you care about her and like her in a more intimate way.

          Traditional romance hasn't died out. The media and modern society might try to kill it and label it as fantasy but it is still alive and well. Some of the best relationships still flourish because they still have that old fashion romance. And for those of you who feel that old fashion romance is gay, or sexist, then tell me this: when was the last time you were actually completely and totally enjoy the company of a significant other? 

Next week...
Hygiene :0 (no really this time)

Competition

       

Before I start I want to say this is directed to the women out there who find sports and competition is general a waste of time.  If your one of those ladies who loves to watch a good football game or get in their and show up the guys, kudos. This does not include you and I apologize for any generalizations I may make for you are not included. With that in mind:

 Guys, let's face it... we are competitive son's of b****es. Its the truth. We compete over EVERYTHING!! Women, jobs, even how big our... cars are. We love to compete against each other. I'm not saying that women don't do the same thing, however they don't have an inner drive to compete against each other like we do.  Whether its simply friendly competition, or a fight to the death, as men we will compete against each other for smallest of reasons.

           Now like I said before, our competitions aren't always good. It's just built into our nature. Biologically males of the species tend to compete for the female.  It's a known fact that males compete to impress a female for the purpose of procreation.  So we compete based off of a biological necessity to make ourselves look good for our women.  Now back in the olden days before we had culture and morality, and we relied solely on competition to resolve issues. Often this resulted in one of the competitors deaths but when we rely on basic animistic instict this is what happens.  Eventually this competition escaped from the relm of one on one to a team competition, often between different tribes. We call this war. Isn't that really all war is anyway? Two sides competing over something, whether it be land or power or women.  War is just a really big really deadly competition. However without it, modern civilization would not be what it is today. This is most likely why we saw men ruling the world for so long. I know this will be controversial but the men were the one's fighting because it was just a part of our biology so we were the ones who strong-armed women, taking power. 

           Eventually as time went by and we became more educated we refined our idea of competition. Out of this came one of mans greatest inventions: Sports.  Sports were a way for people to settle disputes without killing anybody (most of the time).  The earliest and most famous example of this, were the Olympics of ancient Greece.  The Olympics were a way for the cities of ancient Greece to show off their strength and compete angainst each other in less destructive and violent way. On the other hand, those same ancients later became the fans of sport. They grew to watch others kill each other in gladiator combat especially in the heart of Rome. This transferred from physical competition to supporting an athlete in a game.  The audience would chose sides and by supporting a certain athlete compete through them, with no physical violence to themselves.

          Now we can move away from the more boring side of male competitive spirit and just talk from the heart.  As men, we like to compete. Women do to but their form of competition is a little different. Women compete with more passive aggressiveness, a sort of "keeping up with the Jones" mentality. Men tend to be more blunt due to our biological need to fight. That's not to say women don't share in these shenanigans, but most of the time the idiots duking it out in the parking-lot next to the bar are guys. We will challenge each other to just about anything: Who can drink the most, who can eat the most, who takes the biggest s**ts. We like to feel superior to each other because, like I said before, we have that inner need to show off.

          Like the men of ancient Greece we cherish our sports.  Men like sports because it is yet again another for of competition for us. Like the ancient Romans, by supporting others we feel a sense of competition within ourselves.  Granted we aren't watching people kill each other, but we do feel emotionally connected to the players in the field. It allows us to get out our competitive violent side without hurting others.  That's why when a good game is on, many men are shouting at a TV as if they were part of it.  We feel emotionally invested in the wins of others.  It calms us and allows us to get out the tension and emotion in our lives. 

          Playing a sport is an even better example. Many high school and college age men play sports simply because they need a physical outlet for the hormones telling them to fight. For me it was football and lacrosse. For others it can be as simple as tennis (they tend to be angrier if you ask me though).  The running jumping, pushing, shoving and/or throwing forces us to physically engage ourselves in a state of false combat.   It appeases our hormones and also allows us to release anger stress and just have fun! 

         My girlfriend once told me she thought football was barbaric. She was never into sports. Many women are, but many of those women also come from strong male based families. Ari doesn't. She doesn't understand why a man would force himself to endure pain and induce pain on others.  Well their is one simple reason my love... Those lovely things called testicles force me.

          So in conclusion I want to say this. I want any of you women like my girlfriend and find footall barbaric, try to watch the guys in your life on Sunday.  I know myself as a large Pats fan have already gotten wound up.  The Superbowl is the embodiment of modern male competition and now I hope you can understand why we act so crazy when its on. To those women who already understood, I want to apologize. You are the types of girls we guys love because you completely get and allow our idiotic behavior and often join in.  It just makes things more fun for us.

Next week....
Romance

Bros

          
Well I'm gonna start this with an introduction to the blog.  The idea for this blog came when my friends and I was sitting around watching Guycode, a show on MTV2 about what guys should and shouldn't do. The show presents different topics and then takes the opinion of different comedians and other personalities on what a "real man" should or shouldn't do in that situation.  Well as we watched I became increasingly annoyed at how most of the answers were stereotypical, and I had never done some of the things that they said.  I thought maybe perhaps it was because I wasn't "manly" enough, but as I began to talk with my bros we realized we don't do half of the stuff we're told we should in the show. Someone said that one of us should make a real Guycode, one where we tell the truth about how a normal guy should act, and not the drummed up Hollywood rules.  Well I was given the task of writing this blog in class so I thought I might as well be the one to take on the task. Every week I'm going to write about a new topic. I'm going to give my opinion, as well as those of my friends. Along with our opinions, I'll use the trusty knowledge of my anthropology major to maybe give you some actual scientific reasoning for why we do what we do.

          So I'll start the first post on a topic both near and dear to the heart of any man: His bros.  Every guy has them and every guy needs them.  A man's closest guy friends are a very important part of his life. They pick him up when he's down, and humble him out when he has a swollen head.  They are his teachers, brothers, and most importantly the wisest people he will ever meet. Granted this last one is subject to one's own opinion and is usually the furthest thing from the truth.  Bro wisdom is a topic we will approach a little later on in the semester.
          I know about bros. As my best friends here at Penn State know well, I went to an all boys military catholic high school. The only girls we had contact with were each other's sisters, which as all guys know is a big no-no (There are exceptions. If there weren't I would be with my girlfriend who I have been with for almost a year).  So most of our time in and out of school were with each other. My friends from back home and I are closer than most girls who I know.  So needless to say I have experience in the field of bros.

          So what is a bro exactly. Well, it is a guy or group of guys that a man has to turn to no matter what the situation is. They hang out all the time and basically know you better than any other person on the planet. They are the main confidant and advice giver from all topics ranging from women, to whether or not it is safe to consume something.  While their advice may not be the greatest we take it anyway because we trust them and they trust us.
          Every man needs a little brotime.  While we all love our women, sometimes we just need to be around people who understand exactly what we need to say. Someone who speaks our language.  Usually all this means is sitting around playing a video game or watching football. But what you women don't realize is that through all this tomfoolery there are actually deep rooted psychological problems being solved.  When we're together my friends can help alleviate each others deepest anxieties, such as women and parental issues, even serious issues like depression or suicidal tendencies.
         We as humans are a very interesting creature. We are the only living being where the males of our species are not only social with each other, but rely on each other for aid. The common man in ancient times, would fight with his bros, die with his bros and essentially create a bond stronger than any other, than perhaps that of a female partner.  From a very young age most boys tend to befriend other boys as opposed to girls. We are put into different categories as to what a boy should enjoy doing and what a girl should enjoy. They are often at odds if not completely different all together. For example boys aren't supposed to like pink which is a girl color. There is no biological basis other than the fact that someone, somewhere, way back in history decided it was that way.  So it stands to reason that when we are taught to think a different way, or to be interested in the same things we would gravitate toward each other.  As time goes on men and women develop differently based on these societal norms instilled in us at young age. That is why bros tend to be men... they understand men better than a normal women would. Not to say that women can't be bros but they are usually more masculine in their thought process and often were raised in a male dominated household.
          The other important reason why a man needs his bros is to get out the intense competitive nature built into our personalities. We will go into more depth about this topic next week but we all have a pathological urge to fight and compete. I goes back to the days before culture when we relied on instinct not on what our society teaches us.  When Bros hang out it is usually in an atmosphere that has less sexual competition and more light-hearted competition. When guys hang out with girls, especially those they are attracted to, we tend to get viciously competitive, often resorting to physical violence. When we hang out with just guys this sexual tension is gone and we are able to compete in an arena where loss is acceptable, at least biologically.
            Well I hope I was able to shed some light on bro-ology.  The bro-relationship is a very strong one in our society. Your bros will always be there for you no matter what sticky situation you get yourself into. However, before I go I want to break one last myth: There is no such thing as "bros before hoes."  If your bro gets himself a girl, he has every right to spend as much time as he needs with her. It is perfectly fine for him to drop by only when he wants. You aren't offering him anything! So until next time, enjoy you brofests but remember: once a woman enters the picture she comes before your bros every time.


Next week....
Competition