Drinking 1

          

 Well this is a post that is sure to get me into trouble. So before I go into this I want to say that "I don't drink never have and won't until I reach the proper legal age (...), everything in this post is theoretical and not the actual experience of the author (mhmm)"
           The first time I drank was in Cancun, Mexico where I had gone on vacation with a friend and his family (they shall remain nameless for legal purposes).  I have been around alcohol my entire life so don't get me wrong I was well aware of what it could do, and of course had the occasional glass of wine, coming from a primarily Italian family.  However Cancun was the first place I actually got drunk.  In a week i had gone through an intense program learning how to drink, what to drink and what happens when you don't drink  the right way.  The family I went down with were all experienced drinkers.  My friends father ( we'll call him Mr. S) was a rather large Irishman, with the liver of a God.  He told my parents what would be going on down there and to my surprise they gave this reaction: better to learn from someone like Mr. B who knows what to do and how to do it safely than experimenting in college and dying. I am very thankful they took that opinion. When we got down there Mr. B gave me and the other boy who had come down with us a drink and began what he called basic training for partying. He gave us a serious of rules to remember as a man when we drink. This is what I am going to teach you today. This topic is very broad and therefore will take along time to discuss. This week I'll give you the basic rules of drinking for men. Next week I'll discuss how we can put these into practice and better yet why we should.

1. Drink LOTS of WATER!!!!!!!!
    This was the first and most important thing Mr. B taught me. Water is basically your tie to life when you aredrinking. It sobers you up, and it stops the hangover. Water dilutes the alcohol in your system which allows you to think easier. While most people might find it fun to get wasted no one actually enjoys it enough. The other purpose of water is hydration. Alcohol takes the place of water in your cells and without that water you can become very sick. That is really all a hangover is. Your body gets dried out to the point where it is dangerous. By drinking water you are replenishing the supply and taking away the likelihood of a hang over the next day. And of course the final reason to drink water is that it makes you piss. Alcohol is a toxin... whether you admit it or not it is not something that your supposed to have in your body especally in large doses. That is why your body reacts the way it does. By drinking lots of water you force yourself to  pee out those toxins.

2. Don't get sloppy.
     Its ok to have fun but there comes a point.  No one likes to be that guy that is so drunk he is falling over and is unintelligable. Hell no one likes that guy let alone likes to be that guy.  Its not cool nor mannly to get so drunk your friends have to escort you home. Another problem is that when you get to that point you are volatile. No one can tell how your going to react or what your going to do. And the worst part is that you have no control. That can be dangerous not just for you but for those around you.  Get a nice buzz going maybe get a little tipsey but don't be the guy passed out with a penis drawn on your face.

3. Know your limit.
      This goes along with the don't be sloppy thing. You need to know the point where you will pass from tipsey to drunk to hammered. You have to be able to gauge how much you can drink and when to stop. This is one of the most difficult things for beginner drinkers (aka freshmen) to understand. There are certian things you need to factor in if you are going to drink to help you predict that limit. Heavier people can drink more than thin people, more experienced people more than less experienced, men more than women. Sometimes even race is a factor. However the only way to really know is to experiment. Your going to make mistakes and your going to get drunk and probly puke your first couple times. The key is to do it with people you trust and learn from your mistakes quickly.

4. Stop when it is safeest not necessarily when you want to.
         This is a big thing for unexperienced drinkers. Sometimes its hard to gauge when you have had to much. So you don't know when you are at or past your tolerance point. You don't realize that you aredrunk because you don't understand what it feel like.  You will continue to drink until you puke or do something really stupid.  Another problem is that once you begin to drink it is very difficult to stop until it is too late. You keep pounding down drinks because you don't feel it. If your friend or boy/girlfriend are telling you its time to stop listen to them.  Likewise if you know you've reached your point don't let your friends pressure you into drinking more.

5. Best cure for a hangover: drink more.
     A hangover is just withdrawal.  Its your body reacting to the lack of alcohol. Like any other drug it fucks with your body so that you feel crappy without it. So best way to get rid of it is to drink more! you give your body what it craves helping you to feel much better.  That's why common cure for hangovers like bloody-marys or spiked coffees have alcohol in them. However you have to be careful with this. If you do this to often your body will begin to become addicted to the alcohol, and this is extremely dangerous.

6.  Pace yourself.
     Going along with the whole don't get sloppy and know your limit, pacing yourself is extremely important. Having 7 drinks in one hour will get you more fucked up than 13 drinks in 7 hours. Pacing yourself gives you the ability to have a consistent buzz so that you will remember your night, where as getting very drunk very fast will make you sloppy and most likely black out.

7. Blacking out isn't cool.
     Despite what the media would have you believe blacking out  really isn't that cool. It leads to a wasted nigh. If you had a lot of fun you won't know or remember it because you blacked out. If you keep a constant buzz on then you will remember in the morning the fun you had last night. The other thing is that you don't know what is true or isn't true. Most likely your buddies who you went with will make shit up and you can't verify because you don't remember.

8.  Don't be caught with your pants down.
      The basic principle of everything is that what goes in must come out at some point. Make sure that your near someplace where you can deposit whatever it is exactly that comes out. Preferable this is a bathroom, however the trashcan is always a good spot as well. No one wants to be the guy that pukes all over the floor, because either your cleaning it up with a mop or if you don't know the person who owns the building/apartment you'll be wiping it up with your face.  Also remember that public urination is now and has always been illegal.

9. Don't get caught with your shoes on.
     The rule of thumb is that if a guy passes out with his shoes on his is free game to fuck with.  It is perfectly acceptable to draw on his body any sort of picture (or genital) of your choosing. If you are so drunk that you pass out without taking off your shoes, then you deserve what you get. Teabagging is perfectly acceptable in this instance as is ass to face maneuvers such as face farts, or my personal favorite goat pictures (where you goat the passed out guy and take a pic of it. Yeah this might come across as strange to most people however as any guy knows we do it all the time and it is actually funny as shit.

10. Keep your hands to your self.
       The biggest problem with guys who get sloppy is that they touch everything, especially when it comes to women. Alcohol makes you more ballsy, so you do things you wouldn't normally do. I know guys who will walk up to a girl and grab her ass when there drunk who would never have done so sober. Guys tend to be very over-zealous when they are drunk. Lots of guys will think a girl is into him when really she is trying her best to get away. You open yourself up to many many problems when you start grabbing a girl: fights, getting kicked out of the party, even jail for sexual assault. These are not scenarios that you want to get yourself into.  When you get drunk you think with your dick and not your brain. This can get you into the issue i just mentioned. For me I refuse to drink if there will be girls around because I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend, and while I'm not a horny drunk I also know that if a girl makes a pass at m I don't have the reasoning power if I'm shit faced to recognize what I'm doing is wrong.  I instead take upon the role of caretaker when I go out. Coming from a very Italian household, I look out for the girls I'm with. If one of my friends is having troubles with you because you drunk and are getting to handsy, I will step in and you will get punched. I'm not the only guy like this so the best advise would be to just lay off.

11. Keep a condom on you at all times.
        While you might not be planning on having sex, like I stated before guys tend to get horny when they're drunk. It's better to be prepared with a condom, than to go in raw and risk all sorts of STDs or becoming a daddy... and as I always say: no one wants to be a daddy until you want to be a daddy.  Now whether or not you end up using a condom is up to you, however it is considered rape if you don't and she reports you. Just sayin

12. There is no such thing as a "woman's drink"
       Everyone has their tastes and you have to respect that. Just because you don't want to take a straight shot of Jack doesn't make you less of a man. Nor does having a margarita when its offered. This is a big social stigma; that if a drink has fancy colors or fruit in it, its too girly. This isn't always the case. Now for me, I don't like these drinks because I like to taste the alcohol. It lets me know how much I've had and whether or not I should stop. If I can't taste a shot of Everclear then I have a problem. Another thing is beer. You aren't more masculine because you can chug a beer in 3 sec. Beer isn't a man's drink per se but it tends to be drank more by men than women. So I guess what I'm saying is that drinking a "chick" drink doesn't mean your less manly, nor does taking a straight shot without a chaser more so. It is how you handle the alchol you drink that establishes how macho you are. If one margarita gets you sloppy, but  a girl has taken 5 shots and barely has a buzz... well then that's problem.

13. Enjoy yourself
      Drinking is something you do for fun. If you go into it with a bad attitude or for the wrong reasons it will only make things ten times worse. When you drink drink with others and have a good time, not by yourself in a dark room.... we cal those people alcoholics where I'm from.  Likewise for you non-drinkers, don't be hatin. If you go out with people who drink don't fall into peer pressure if you don't want to but don't be the stick in the mud either. There are various grades of drinks and having one beer as a guy will do little if nothing at all. Live life a little. Don't nag on people for drinking unless they are getting bad. If that is the case take them home lay them to bed and then go back out and enjoy yourself. Drinking I meant to be fun.  If you don't drink I'm not saying you won't enjoy your time, but everything is better with a little alcohol in ya.


          So these are the rules I live by. I consulted my friends and we all agreed that if you follow these rules it can be very easy to have a good time. Next week I'll discuss more of the cultural role drinking plays in men's lives. Mr. B taught me a lot and through his teaching I am able to enjoy my drinking experiences without hurting myself. I never had a bad time drinking in college because I knew what to do. Hopefully with these rules you too can enjoy your drinking experience this State Patty's day. And remember be safe and be cool.

Hygiene

Well after last weeks little sidebar I'm finally getting around to a topic I find actually absolutely hilarious:  male hygiene.  This is a topic that will interest both men and women alike. Popular belief is that men typically are not the cleanliest people in the world when it comes to our bodies. And for the most part this is correct. In the US we tend not to shave as many things as women, nor do we have to deal with the hair troubles that women do. Theoretically a man could just role out of bed and head straight to class or work and most of the time no one would be able to tell.  However this isn't the case with most men. At least its not the case with me... most of the time.
         The thing that sets apart men and women is the fact that men sweat... a lot. Men tend to sweat more than women simply because men tend to be involved in activities that re more labor intensive than women. Not saying that women don't do heavy labor but statistically speaking there are more men involved in jobs such as construction that require heavy physical lifting than women. Also when we work out our bodies tend to heat up faster due to the amount of testasterone in our bodies. Another reason behind man's unnecessary sweating, is that women can handle a higher body temperature then men. At the Polish Academy in Warsaw, researchers concluded that even if men and women do the same amount of physical exercise women will sweat less but have a higher overall body temperature. (http://health.howstuffworks.com/wellness/men/sweating-odor/men-sweat-more-than-women.htm)
          Why am I saying this? Because it has to do with men's cleaning habits compared to women. Men and women tend to take the same amount of showers perday (Men sometimes more than women), however men's showers are much short as any man can attest to. But again this makes sense. In our society men typically have a hairier body with less hair on our head. This means that it takes less time for men because we don't have to spend a long time washing our hair or shaving other parts of our bodies. Still I have to admit I am guilty of spending o much time in the shower. And why not! Its comfy and a good place to think. Everyone knows your best thoughts come in the shower. And I know its not just me. Many guys on my floor take long showers. At the same time my own room mate take his in under 5 min every time and another one of my friends only takes them every 3 days.  The latter is not typical of most men from what I've observed. We all consider it disgusting when someone doesn't shower daily on my floor and I'm guessing most guys would agree. Just spraying yourself with axe isn't gonna cut it. So to you ladies reading this out there don't think we're all nasty pigs who cover up our stank with perfume. Because many of us clean more than you.

NO!

          That being said I want to stress the fact that as men we don't pretty up ourselves as much as women. Or at least you shouldn't. The common rule of thumb is that the only time it should take you longer than 45 to get ready is for your wedding or your funeral.  other than that your putting too much into it. Being clean is one thing but their comes a point. For example, I don't care how good it feel no man should ever get a mani/pedi if he still has those 2 jewels hanging between his legs.  Take care of yourself obviously but don't go overboard. I personally find it stupid when guys shave their chests. It's something that is purely masculine... why would you want to get rid of that? A perfect example of guys that go overboard are the guidos of Jersey Shore. They take to much time and money feminizing themselves.  All that tanning, waxing, an shaping takes away their manhood in my opinion.
            I will give them a break when it comes to working out. I have no problem whatsoever with guys getting ripped. That is a sign of health as well as masculinity. Therefore in my mind it is the one thing that isn't too bad if you go slightly overboard. Keeping yourself in shape is not something that we should ever assign to any gender, nor should we consider it bad in anyway. However this is one of the times I am going to give the man the benefit of the doubt. Unlike men, women become less attractive the more muscle they have. So while both sexes should be healthy bodybuilding is something that looks much better on men than women.

AGAIN NO!

OK not bad

            The last thing I want to discuss is hair. For most men they don't spend time on their hair because its short. That is just the current style. However if you are going to keep your hair short here are some things to remember: 1) Wash it every time you take a shower. Remember we sweat more so while women might not have to wash their hair every shower you do. 2) Don't do crazy things with it. No buns or pig tails or braids. Maybe a ponytail if your doing something where it could catch fine but the rule of thumb usually is that if your hair is that long you should rethink your life choices. the other thing i want to talk about with hair style is that this is the one place a man shouldn't want much time. Their aren't many styles that look good on a guy. You can put of the front, leave it as is or slick it back. That's about it. Anything else just makes you look dumb. Don't dye it, spend thousands of dollars on treatments or get those stupid edges done. You just look dumb.
           So just to summarize everything for everyone. Guys its ok to take more showers than our girl as long as they're short and all your doing is washing of the grim of life. We tend to sweat more so its only natural to wash more. Wash everyday and don't use colones to cover it up if you don't; everyone knows and it's just nasty. On the other hand don't over do it on the prettying yourself up. Stay clean and well groomed but don't spend lots of money making yourself up. You can have long hair to a point and If you style it keep it simple. The one thing I didn't cover was shaving, one's face.  That's simple; you can do whatever you want however if you can't grow a beard then don't try. With all these tips you should be good.
O and one last thing... NO MAKE UP!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!

Next Week...
Drinking

Romance

            

Today I was going to discuss with you hygiene but with Valentine's Day being Tuesday I thought it would be better to talk about a subject that many men tend to avoid in public: Romance.  The media makes romance out to be a "chick thing."  Think about it: romantic comedies are often given the label "chick-flick."  Romance novels are considered to be women's books and are often written from a woman's point of view. Guys are supposed to be into blood and guts and gore and not that girly romantic crap right? Men aren't supposed to be romantic, they are supposed to be tough and women are supposed to be the sappy ones right? Wrong.

          I feel most men are more into romance than they let on.  I know I enjoy doing little romantic things for my girlfriend. I buy her roses just because I can. I'll grab her if I like the song and just dance with her. I take her out on candle lit dinners and go on long walks with her. I don't do that stuff simply because she likes it, but because I enjoy doing it.  Most men won't admit it though. Our society won't allow it. It is thought to be emasculating.  Men are supposed to be bored with this stuff, do it because they want to get into the girls pants. I find this to be absolutely ridiculous. When I take my girlfriend out on a date or buy her flowers I do it because I enjoy seeing the look on her face, and because, in my opinion, it is the way that a man should treat his woman. I don't expect anything back, I just want her to be happy because when she is happy I am happy.  

          Society wasn't always this way. Actually romance was considered a feminine thing until the sexual revolution took place in the 60s. Before this the little things we consider "sappy" today, such as helping a girl cross a puddle or the man being the one to ask out the girl, were considered commonplace.  However, with the dawn of the sexual revolution women began to consider these things to traditional, and lopped them in with other more sexist traditions. These practices began to fall out of fashion until they were considered wrong for men. This is usually how cultural trends tend to develop.  A practice is considered to archaic and eventually it is considered wrong because a new tradition takes its place. According to our society, this new development considers romance "out-dated" and "for the old people." Things like asking for a girls hand in marriage from her father before actually asking her, are now considered old world and foolish by the media and societal norms because they are supposed to restrict a girls decision making. It also makes guys look less masculine, by even knowing romantic things they could do for their women. This is why most guys won't talk about the romantic things they did for their girlfriend with out being considered gay, when in fact they are as far from gay as you could get.

          I think though that while society might say men aren't romantic, that is not the case at all.  I think most men would, given the choice add a little romance into their life because, like me, they find the smile on their woman's face more important than whether or not they are being made of behind their backs. However, I really don't find that my friends make comments when I do romantic stuff for my girlfriend. In fact more often than not they are the once saying how cute they find it or giving advice as to what I should do. I find that most men are very traditionalist in their views on romance. Many men would go that extra mile to help a woman. You'd be surprised at the amount of men who would do those little things, like help a woman over a puddle in the road, or treat her to a candlelight dinner. And on that same note there are a lot of women out there who appreciate what the man is doing when he tries to be romantic. They don't see him as week or effeminate at all. In fact I got into a conversation with my girlfriend as I was writing this, and she said that my romance is what made me so attractive to her. A guy is more likely to get a girl by being romantic then trying to pick her up so you can sleep with her the next morning.

          So what exactly are those romantic things that we can do? Well I'm kind of a tradionalist on this topic.   I am the kinda guy that is into the old school Cary Grant kind of romantic. I like to surprise the girl with flowers ad try to sweep her off her feet.  For example, before I began to date my current girlfriend we were in a play together ad we had rehearsal the day before Valentine's Day. I gave each of the girls in our cast a rose, but after rehearsal when it was just the two of us, I came out of my car with a doze roses just for her. Another classic romantic thing you can do is just to ell her exactly how beautiful she is. Not because you have to but because she is. I say good night to her the same way every night and good morning the same way everyday. These little romantic things not only make her happy but help to keep the relationship going. Society might label it as cheezy but these are the traditional ways of going about a relationship. A small thing like slow dancing like they did way back when is nice because its not threatening sexually, but still shows her you care about her and like her in a more intimate way.

          Traditional romance hasn't died out. The media and modern society might try to kill it and label it as fantasy but it is still alive and well. Some of the best relationships still flourish because they still have that old fashion romance. And for those of you who feel that old fashion romance is gay, or sexist, then tell me this: when was the last time you were actually completely and totally enjoy the company of a significant other? 

Next week...
Hygiene :0 (no really this time)

Competition

       

Before I start I want to say this is directed to the women out there who find sports and competition is general a waste of time.  If your one of those ladies who loves to watch a good football game or get in their and show up the guys, kudos. This does not include you and I apologize for any generalizations I may make for you are not included. With that in mind:

 Guys, let's face it... we are competitive son's of b****es. Its the truth. We compete over EVERYTHING!! Women, jobs, even how big our... cars are. We love to compete against each other. I'm not saying that women don't do the same thing, however they don't have an inner drive to compete against each other like we do.  Whether its simply friendly competition, or a fight to the death, as men we will compete against each other for smallest of reasons.

           Now like I said before, our competitions aren't always good. It's just built into our nature. Biologically males of the species tend to compete for the female.  It's a known fact that males compete to impress a female for the purpose of procreation.  So we compete based off of a biological necessity to make ourselves look good for our women.  Now back in the olden days before we had culture and morality, and we relied solely on competition to resolve issues. Often this resulted in one of the competitors deaths but when we rely on basic animistic instict this is what happens.  Eventually this competition escaped from the relm of one on one to a team competition, often between different tribes. We call this war. Isn't that really all war is anyway? Two sides competing over something, whether it be land or power or women.  War is just a really big really deadly competition. However without it, modern civilization would not be what it is today. This is most likely why we saw men ruling the world for so long. I know this will be controversial but the men were the one's fighting because it was just a part of our biology so we were the ones who strong-armed women, taking power. 

           Eventually as time went by and we became more educated we refined our idea of competition. Out of this came one of mans greatest inventions: Sports.  Sports were a way for people to settle disputes without killing anybody (most of the time).  The earliest and most famous example of this, were the Olympics of ancient Greece.  The Olympics were a way for the cities of ancient Greece to show off their strength and compete angainst each other in less destructive and violent way. On the other hand, those same ancients later became the fans of sport. They grew to watch others kill each other in gladiator combat especially in the heart of Rome. This transferred from physical competition to supporting an athlete in a game.  The audience would chose sides and by supporting a certain athlete compete through them, with no physical violence to themselves.

          Now we can move away from the more boring side of male competitive spirit and just talk from the heart.  As men, we like to compete. Women do to but their form of competition is a little different. Women compete with more passive aggressiveness, a sort of "keeping up with the Jones" mentality. Men tend to be more blunt due to our biological need to fight. That's not to say women don't share in these shenanigans, but most of the time the idiots duking it out in the parking-lot next to the bar are guys. We will challenge each other to just about anything: Who can drink the most, who can eat the most, who takes the biggest s**ts. We like to feel superior to each other because, like I said before, we have that inner need to show off.

          Like the men of ancient Greece we cherish our sports.  Men like sports because it is yet again another for of competition for us. Like the ancient Romans, by supporting others we feel a sense of competition within ourselves.  Granted we aren't watching people kill each other, but we do feel emotionally connected to the players in the field. It allows us to get out our competitive violent side without hurting others.  That's why when a good game is on, many men are shouting at a TV as if they were part of it.  We feel emotionally invested in the wins of others.  It calms us and allows us to get out the tension and emotion in our lives. 

          Playing a sport is an even better example. Many high school and college age men play sports simply because they need a physical outlet for the hormones telling them to fight. For me it was football and lacrosse. For others it can be as simple as tennis (they tend to be angrier if you ask me though).  The running jumping, pushing, shoving and/or throwing forces us to physically engage ourselves in a state of false combat.   It appeases our hormones and also allows us to release anger stress and just have fun! 

         My girlfriend once told me she thought football was barbaric. She was never into sports. Many women are, but many of those women also come from strong male based families. Ari doesn't. She doesn't understand why a man would force himself to endure pain and induce pain on others.  Well their is one simple reason my love... Those lovely things called testicles force me.

          So in conclusion I want to say this. I want any of you women like my girlfriend and find footall barbaric, try to watch the guys in your life on Sunday.  I know myself as a large Pats fan have already gotten wound up.  The Superbowl is the embodiment of modern male competition and now I hope you can understand why we act so crazy when its on. To those women who already understood, I want to apologize. You are the types of girls we guys love because you completely get and allow our idiotic behavior and often join in.  It just makes things more fun for us.

Next week....
Romance